So we left off last week with Gavin and Shani having a biff (what Cae called it) on the beach with no hope of resolution in sight: except this is the last episode in Season 1 so we’re hoping we get a little bit of joy before we put up the Christmas trees and eagerly wait for Season 2.
And joy awaits us in Simon’s magical beemer and he and Liam are eagerly planning Tammy’s hen’s party.
Liam has clearly raised the bar by over-delivering on the ‘puppy’ assignment so it’s fair to say we are expecting a truly fabulous party. Simon looks to be on board with a fun time but stipulates no strippers because it’s a ‘work’ function (boo!), and the fun banter between Simon and Liam is interrupted by a very loud and familiar noise coming down the beemer’s CarPlay:
Simons’ favourite client Tamara has recovered from her severe anaphylaxis to the colour grey and the Lower North Shore and is on her way to meet him as he believes he has found the perfect thing for her: something with an easier to spot front door in Castle Cove.
So Simon hits the accelerator like Brocky at Bathurst and drives down a dirt path and we end up at Downton Abbey. Or Windsor Castle. Or something that resembles one of those.
And just as we’re expecting Carson to come out and open the doors, we instead see that lovely gent Michael Pallier back again on his way to welcome everyone into his latest circa $33 million listing.
Tamara arrives on set and introduces us to her friend Sharina Star who is a ‘house-healer’.
For those of you that are wondering WTF is a house-healer and do I need one… long story short, they are kind of like the ghostbusters of home-staging and their job is to get rid of any spooks that have decided not to vacate over the years.
And the place is more than 100 years old, so we’re glad Tamara has called for reinforcements.
So, we start the tour and Michael tells us all about the Waratah on the ceiling but Simon understands his client and suggests putting a big ‘ol chandelier up there.
Can we just say, despite the price tag, the list of inclusions on REA for this one would be short: because of the property’s age and heritage status, it means no mod-cons or air-cons or WiFi or any of that tick-the-box stuff.
Fortunately, Tamara is undeterred by the lack of built-in wardrobe space, she’s just happy that her furniture will fit, and Sharina advises getting rid of the existing furniture to make room for her circular rotating bed.
Anyway – Sharina gets busy, getting out her trusty Tibetan singing bowl which can be used in multiple ways: A) make some guacamole or B) fix bad energy with some loud banging.
So now it’s time for a game of Dungeons and Dragons with Michael taking the lantern and the lead and telling everyone to tread carefully.
Actually, it’s less like Dungeons and Dragons and more like Scooby-Doo when we’re looking at Liam’s slightly scared expression, but the ever-optimistic Simon offers up that you can store lots of caviar, vodka and champagne in this type of environment. Again, he knows his client.
Liam still looks like he wants to get out and frankly so do we. It’s starting to feel a little Game of Thronesy, like when Jamie and Cersei got squashed by the rubble in the Red Keep.
Michael is now showing what it really takes and has had an architect draw up plans for a modern extension to the castle, where you can have your pool, tennis court, WiFi, air-conditioning and all of that stuff, so that you can live in the new but still have the old for all of the ghosts to play in.
He trial closes Tamara by asking her if she thinks she would like to buy the house.
So while Tamara takes a moment to think about where to put that life-size knight statue, we’ve been beamed back to the East and our TRG superheroes are back together at Avengers HQ, talking about who’s going to win their version of The Hunger Games.
Gavin’s pep talk is interrupted by the sound of Shani’s phone ringing. He still doesn’t look happy and we can tell there’s still some bad vibes in this room.
Gavin tells Shani to say hi to her Mum for him with more than a raised eyebrow; and just when we think the only thing that can possibly fix this is for Sharina and her Tibetan singing bowl to pay them all a visit, something fabulous happens: the prospect of another yacht party.
So, Gavin and Jaz announce they are planning a day out for our superheroes to mark the end of the quarter. We see this as an excellent recovery from the tent city of Gav’s birthday; bringing back the bouj in the final episode.
And speaking of bouj, it’s time to check what our Queen is up to – she’s on her way to meet Daniella for their own The Apprentice X real estate kind of moment.
We were automatically thinking it was a yes for Daniella until mid convo D’Leanne gets the good news about Glama Pavilion – she’s got a buyer who’s willing to pay $12 million – and Daniella says, “Great, let’s do shots and go crazy.”
Our Queen frowns slightly and says no, the ink is not dry yet and PS never drink on the job, and PPS my kids are on their way over.
So D’Leanne has a few more future pointers for Daniella in not overpromising, not dropping names, not being late and don’t get swept up in all the bullshit, and then our Queen announces Daniella is hired and that she will do really well in real estate. Particularly when magical trees and lifts are involved.
With that sorted (for now), we’re back in the Lambo and headed east for the final duel between Oli and Cae to settle who wins $50,000 of Flight Centre Vouchers.
Cae is feeling good after his SoulCycle session and Gav tells the two of them that it all comes down to this: Whoever gets the best price for the Rockwall house.
Which is a house in a rockwall.
There’s also a wall made out of rock.
Team with the theme.
Who has the right buyer?
Oli greets his buyer, Vanessa who has two kids and he sets about creating connections with all of them in a laid back Harvey Specter charming kind of way.
Gav explains that Cae is more subtle, you know, like a brick through a window and likes to get to business.
Cae is a sniper. He hits his buyer straight between the eyeballs before he even steps a foot across the threshold and says (yes, you guessed it) “Welcome home”.
“Bang,” says Cae, looking out to the bridge.
“It’s very you,” he says to his buyer Hilton.
Meanwhile, Oli is putting in some serious legwork, creating urgency with a genuine vibe of actually caring and Cae has his buyer in a metaphorical headlock advising that he needed his offer yesterday.
But the biscuits we really came for are actually just a few streets away: Simon is now heading to a Point Piper waterfront worth $100 million-ish. He and Gavin are working on a deal that looks next level for both of them.
They get out of the garage and into a lift, which looks a bit like a cable car heading down the Swiss Alps; and as we wait for the sound of cowbells jingling in the distance, comes a different view – private beach, private jetty on billionaires’ row and Gav and Simon mooing about all of things that give this home the zillion-dollar view.
Everything is iconic and the epitome of a truly luxe listing. Bravo, great way to end the season, with lots of vibe and epic things inside and even the shower has an amazeballs view.
What will it take the current owner to sell? Can Simon find a buyer?
It doesn’t look like it will happen in the next 20 minutes or so, but there are more fabulous things to take in now because it’s time for Tammy’s hen’s party and Liam has not let us down. Waiters wearing only pink swimming trunks and llama hats, swans in the swimming pool, fairy floss, pink penis straws and glamorous and beautiful people everywhere.
D’Leanne arrives and she still has team building on her mind and wants a decision from Tammy about their chat the other day.
Tammy says has made her decision but she’s not ready to reveal yet and decides to make us wait it out longer than Sonia announcing the latest contestant on Celebrity Big Brother.
Simon reveals his ideas for growing the team by telling Jen about his plan to go into commercial; a lesson we all learned playing Monopoly growing up, which is why buy expensive houses when you can buy hotels? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Jen thinks that’s brilliant and looks as proud as punch.
Simon gives a speech and we’re all a bit emotional again and can’t wait for Tammy’s big day.
So it looks like the only thing that needs resolving now is who gets the dosh in the TRG Hunger Games and we’re about to find out as we head back to the harbour and find that it’s … dun dun dunnnn…. Oliver who has the contract for Rockwall signed, sealed and delivered.
Time to get on the boat and Gavin also is thinking about how to expand the business and grow the team and everyone is having drinks and a good time until the mood is broken by a phone call.
Gavin: It’s Ray White. He’s the big boss.
Umm… It can’t be Ray White because he was born in 1878 and if he were around today he would be 142 years old, and that’s older than the oldest man to have ever lived as noted in the Guinness Book of records.
So that leaves a few other possibilities.
Was it Brian?
Sharina Star with her magical Tibetan singing bowl channelling Mr White?
A cover convo for the tailor gently letting Gavin know he can’t get that beautiful yellow fabric and he has to get over there stat to choose something else?
But it’s another cliffhanger, meaning we are dun dun dunnn… so we will need to wait until Season 2 to find out who it really was and why they were calling.
OK, so since filming wrapped (as far as we can tell)
So as we mentioned in our Ep 1 recap this series looks like this was filmed a while ago. And this final ep looked more staged than Cats, but there are a few things we can safely conclude because everything in real estate is either a) on REA or b) on Instagram.
So here goes:
- Shani and Gavin must have worked things out because she is still on the about page at TRG and it looks like everyone is friends again. Fingers crossed anyway.
- Oliver Lavers not only won the $50k, he’s also made Chairman’s Elite Status
- The Castle: looks like Tamara ended up saying ‘Niet’. It’s still for sale on the Sotheby’s website but we have it on pretty good authority that a buyer is close. That is we asked Michael Pallier the question and it’s addressed on an upcoming podcast.
- Daniella might have gotten the job but we can’t find her on the Laing + Simmons about page. So maybe she chose acting and will turn up on Home and Away at some point.
- Tammy is still on the Cohen Handler website so it looks like she might have said ‘Niet’ to D’Leanne and remained loyal to Simon.
- Nonetheless, D’Leanne will always be our Queen.
- Tammy was the most beautiful bride ever when she said “I do” to Belle Property’s James Bennett
- Simon expanded into commercial launching Cohen Costi with Tas Costi. Fun Fact: Tas also happens to be Shani’s significant other.
- Lastly, the truth is no doubt out there, but we may never know who really unplugged Gavin’s mouse.
The end. For now….
Nikki Horner is an Executive Assistant in the competitive and glamorous market of Canberra – who has written for Elite Agent a number of times when a celebrity demands it.
Samantha McLean is the Editor of Elite Agent and is pretty certain everyone will read this piece with the love and humour it was written with.