Rise and grind people – we’re back with this week’s recap of Luxe Listings Sydney. And we mean grind. No dates. No roses. No boats. No bars. Just the 5am club, plenty of cold calls, a malfunctioning mouse and a very long drive over the Harbour Bridge.
The end.
Just kidding. We’re straight to into the action at Cohen Handler where sales are up and revenue is up and there is talk of ending the year with a bang.
We’re not sure if that’s a reference to Gavin or Simon’s Bachie 2022 campaign but hey, we love any kind of explosion.
This morning, Tammy is all business like Regina George, giving us our favourite plastics vibe:
And Liam is gushing over his new teeth whitening contraption. We suspect this is probably some kind of Amazon product placement, so let’s hope they all get free Prime for a year out of this.
The best line of the episode this time belongs to Jen who, while everyone has the teeth things in their mouths, sighs, “Peace and quiet”. But the silence is broken when Liam admits he’s had a chew on Simon’s and all of a sudden we’re worried Liam might get locked in the Beemer again.
But instead, he has just been handed our dream job (apart from these recaps, of course), and is tasked with buying Jen a puppy.
As far as that other job is concerned, you know, the one he gets paid for, he tells Simon he’s got a meeting with someone but it’s “over the bridge”.
Tammy:
Tammy: How far over the bridge?
OK phew, turns out it’s just Mosman we’re talking about and not, like Manly or Newcastle or something like that (although for Tammy, it might as well be).
A collective sound of disgust and inconvenience rings out through the Eastern Suburbs and to cope Liam just wants to go to lunch.
Simon runs off to find his passport to make sure it’s still valid.
Meanwhile, over to Queen D’Leanne who is doing the rounds with Daniella, taking her on a leisurely drive to a listing appointment in Glamarama, reminding her (and us) about her roots, basic Beyonce female empowerment and not to be too shiny.
The ladies arrive at the home of the parents of one of D’Leannes ex-employees, Jack, called Glama (sorry Tama) Pavilion. It’s circa $12 million for the five-bed, five-bath, Hamptons dream pad with views of the Bronte to Bondi walk.
Oh, and obviously the ocean.
“It’s like a wedding cake, there are so many layers,” Daniella remarks.
Us:
“We won’t put that in the ad,” advises our Queen.
And this is why she is number one.
At this point, we’re kinda wishing Simon was here on this tour because this house is 100 per cent “a vibe” and there are many epic things.
Jack awkwardly talks about his time working with D’Leanne and why he left the team and while we’re waiting on the edge of our seats for Jack to spill the tea, but alas it’s stone cold.
Instead, he insists he left to follow “new opportunities” and other boring things that don’t give us the drama fix we are hoping for. So, we are just going to have to dream about what it might be like to have Ricky Martin as a tenant.
On to the real reason we’re all here and Jack puts D’Leanne through her paces and gets her to explain why she is the right agent for the job.
He goes on with the line of “younger agents are hungrier” straight from the Things to say in my first year of real estate by every-real-estate-coach and that overly successful agents are wayyyyyy too busy for you.
But our Queen has conquered many a young gun and she won’t be put off today.
D’Leanne: “Do you think I’ve lost my touch, Jack?”
D’Leanne: “You can have 100 men with all the confidence in the world… you need the results to back it up.”
Us:
Over on the other side of town, it’s onward to Avengers HQ (aka TRG) where our superheroes are practising cold calling, which apparently is super hot because the schvitzing is off the charts.
Liam (not #FreeLiam but #TRGLiam) is the first guinea pig, cold calling Emily, who is initially not interested in real estate, until six seconds later she hears about a $12 million sale up the street and, guess what? She’s interested in real estate.
Emily decides instantaneously, without any scripting at all, that she wants $14 million for her place.
#TRGLiam says it’s not out of the realms of possibility and books the appointment.
Everyone cheers:
Across the office, Gav is banging his computer mouse demanding Shani come and fix it, so she highlights, with several tonnes of sass, that it wasn’t plugged in.
Gav is pissed; it’s not only the mouse connection that needs fixing.
We wait for HR to get called or possibly a therapist because there is definitely more to this, but we are building to some kind of crescendo in two eps time, so who knows what might happen.
For now, we head back to Simon, with far less attitude, in Vaucluse.
The home is dubbed “Harbour View” and the label on the tin is accurate.
It’s a five-bed, five-bath home, circa $14 million, listed by one of Sydney’s true gentlemen and that’s Michael Pallier.
Jokes aside, there are views and there is this: think of everything iconic in Sydney, put it in the water, now stare at it. That’s the view.
On a buyer run with his client Sue, Simon is teaching Sue the quintessential duck waddle through the inspection and explains to us how some of his “most interesting” clients are actually the most fun to work with.
Anyway. Turns out Sue is a quick learner – less than five minutes of coaching from Si and she’s pointing at the “minuscule” walk-in robe in absolute disgust.
Sue: “I can’t live like this, this is ridiculous, it’s a pull down…”
Simon tries to grab the home off-market, but Michael says the clients are staunch in their view that the property has to go to auction, meaning we all have to sleep on it as we’ve got an early one tomorrow.
A new day dawns and it’s time for 5 am club on the beach and Jack is calling D’Leanne to tell her she has got the listing and 100 men fall over in defeat.
She’s meeting Tammy and a semi-hot yoga instructor and D’Leanne has seen the potential Queen in Tammy so is doing the typical real estate boss thing, of laying the groundwork to poach her from Simon, with as much subtlety as Brynne Edlesten at the Brownlow.
But Tammy isn’t taking the bait and we love her loyalty.
After a quick time warp, Simon and Tammy finally make it through immigration (um… over the bridge) and view the four-bedroom, three-bathroom Mosman home, circa $5 million.
Simon says he’s going to go easy on everyone because they’ve never met before, but it’s only two seconds before he declares the house is weird, and this time we agree with him.
The agent David is cleaning the pool and that’s as exciting as that gets.
Take us back to the East, please.
We’re beamed quickly back to Bondi as Gav is meeting with Yvette, the owner of the tiny Bondi apartment from last week; the one with the massive price tag.
Yvette is emotional about the sale but Gav delivers her the news she has been waiting for with a $3 million offer.
It’s a record for price per square meter in Sydney.
Never one to gloat, “I have developed a habit of picking up properties other agents haven’t been able to sell, but I have been able to sell,” Gavin seems pretty happy to have scored a record price per square metre for the property.
We’re just happy we can go cash in our bet on Gavin from last week, because we’re really just wishing this boring ep would either: A) end or B) Monika Tu would sashay in with some of her clients and it would be like a glorious scene from the movie Crazy Rich Asians (wasn’t she meant to be in this show…?)
Anyway, back to the room with the very best view, and Sue has come to the auction with Simon, which doesn’t seem like a smart move, but hey, we are STILL here for it.
The auction kicks off with the usual dead silence before the horses bolt out of the gate like it’s the Melbourne Cup.
The first bid hits at $13 million before it’s back off to the races at $15 million and the property is called on the market.
“Look over my shoulder because I’m not worth looking at,” the auctioneer says, gesturing at those views.
OMG an auctioneer with a decent joke. YES! (Sorry Stu Benson, we still love you!!)
At this point, we need to point out that Simon ever gets bored of being a buyer’s agent or doesn’t for some strange reason become #Bachie2022, he could make it in Hollywood and right now we’re thinking he could give Ridge Forrester on the B&B a run for his money.
Simon can literally do it all: the sideways glance, a long slow blink, and a quick sniff of the air for the scent of drama are all moves that are just water off a duck’s back for our Simon.
At exactly the right moment, Simon declares its game on. Bidding gets to $17 million and he barely breaks eye contact with the one remaining bidder.
Bidding reaches $17.8 million without any schvitzing and before we can blink, it’s second call and in true LLS style, the producers roll credits to leave us wondering if Simon’s steely gaze is enough to break down the other bidder to secure Sue the view.
Tune in next week, where we will hopefully be able to answer that question, along with that other big question we’re all dying to know the answer to: Who the hell unplugged Gavin’s mouse?
See you next week xx!
Nikki Horner is an Executive Assistant in the competitive and glamorous market of Canberra – who has written for Elite Agent a number of times when a celebrity demands it.
Samantha McLean is the Editor of Elite Agent and is pretty certain everyone will read this piece with the love and humour it was written with.
