Welcome back to our weekly recaps of LLS.
We’re in the mood for efficiency tonight, so in line with the TRG vibe, we have just decided to dispense with lengthy phrases and titles and just go with acronyms and abbreviations for you.
We honestly wish we could have fast forwarded through the various ‘downstairs’ topics of this episode but we powered through for you.
We did however nearly become vegans along with Tash on Simon’s date.
Anyway.
We kicked off tonight’s episode with SLT (that’s Simon, Tammy and Liam) cruising through the Eastern Suburbs talking all things IVF and sperm freezing.
Simon: It doesn’t need to be frozen, it’s still got plenty more years.
Thank goodness the conversation of TMI changes from a Dr Phil special to actual real estate.
Remember Skye Fitzpatrick ‘dahlings’, well her offer on the Vaucluse house for her small army of fabulous beings has been rejected at $14 million.
The owner wants $16 million. Time to call Skye.
Simon: There’s good news and there’s bad news, but it’s all good news because you’ve got us…
Us: Writing that one liner down for later.
Tammy: If we got it for $15 million that’s a bargain…
Us: We don’t know what value spectrum Tammy is operating on here, but if that’s her level of bargain, we want to go shopping with her to have our own Pretty Woman moment.
We reach our destination of Point Piper and now we have an understanding of Tammy’s bargain metrics back at the Copper House from episode one.
Just a reminder: The Copper House is a five-bedroom, six-bathroom mining magnate’s dream for the insane price tag of $55 million.
Simon and Tammy get distracted by all of the shiny things and forget about poor Liam who ends up being left behind and locked inside the beemer (#FreeLiam).
It’s Alex Lyons from R&H repping this listing and Tammy blurts out exactly what we’re all thinking, “What did you have to do to get this listing…” while at the same time wondering what happened to TRG’s bid for it.
But NVM.
Alex gives us the pitch, one of the best trophy homes in the world and the only property on the street under $100 million.
There’s $1 million of copper used in the construction and all we’re wondering is how much Brasso the owners would go through every week to shine those ceilings.
Our thoughts of what needs to be cleaned in our own homes are then interrupted by the beeping beemer horn as Liam tries once again to break loose from his luxury prison and it’s the funniest thing that has happened on the show since Jarryd called all other agents dog shit.
As we take a tour of the house, Simon uses a lot of words like ‘vibe’ and ‘epic’ and we’re all gushing at the harbour views.
Now we head down to the pool area, which frankly looks like it requires its own Pfizer jab prior to entry, but the views still have us at hello.
There is also direct harbour access, which just in case you were wondering, Simon doubles down on, further noting “this is a vibe.”
Alex gets down to business talking money, saying $55 – $60 million should do it.
Low baller Simon isn’t remotely interested and neither are his clients.
Besides, he has to go and get ready for a date with the second runner-up Miss Universe Australia.
Across town, we join TRG’s sales meeting, where holistic health and wellness are back on the agenda.
If these guys weren’t in real estate they could head up a multi level marketing company selling juice cleanses, because, “no-one likes a fatso”.
Pat is doing spin. Everyone knows Pat at spin. He’s been doing an eight-week body challenge while at the same time chasing a stale $5 million listing in Bondi that is kind of on the small side.
“It’s tight for someone even my size,” Gav chimes in.
Who needs styling when you can use Gav for space context?
Anyway, Gav and Pat decide to reinform the owner of its current market value and they set up a meeting.
In a meeting of her own in a place called “The Party House” is our Queen D’Leanne. It’s a five-bed, five-bath where her vendor Tom wants $6.8 million.
“You’re looking very chilled and relaxed,” she says to Tom, but we know differently, we sense a storm – and so does our Queen.
Buyers have been coming in around $6.2 million to $6.3m.
We know Tom, we’ve all had a Tom, sticking firm to his numbers.
He’s done all of Sydney, is tired of his neighbours and is tired of the fun police turning down the volume on his rowdy sing-star parties.
Also, Minsky’s hasn’t been the same since the 90s and now that they’ve moved the piano guy downstairs he just doesn’t want to go there anymore.
“$6.3 million is the best offer we’ve had,” our Queen states.
But still, Tom won’t have it. “If we don’t get the price we are not going to sell”.
All the agents watching take a shot for every time they’ve heard that one.
Now we’re back to Bondi Rescue where Gav is about to rescue another unrealistic seller.
He has 30 minutes for his pitch and we are on the edge of our sofas.
He has done his research. “I went to the open house and I’ve been dreaming of the view.”
Ok a bit of a Tinder bio start, but let’s see where this leads.
The debatable one-bedroom + study/two-bedroom has been on the market at $5-$5.5 million with no offers.
Gavin: The price is way off.
He drops the TRG grenade like a smiling assassin and we brace for the fallout.
Gavin: If you want an agent that’s going to tell you what you want to hear that’s not me, if you want an agent that tells you what to need the hear, let’s work.
Us: How much Gav?
Gavin: $2.5 million and let’s push it to up to $3 million.
And he closes with a line that Tom Panos would be proud to ad to his scripts and dialogues DVD:
“Are you at the stage where you are ready to change representation?”
And just like that, with a giant smile, Yvette has halved her price and doubled her smile.
Over to the open house at the party pad, D’Leanne has a donut day, absolute 0.
Not one soul and those are the worst days.
Particularly when you are dealing with a ‘Tom’.
But on the bright side, Daniella has survived longer than any of us had thought.
She strolls in with coffee and seems to be really confused by elevators in houses and appropriate coffee etiquette at open homes because, fun fact, the interwebs say she is a trained barista and we know that qualification alone would impress REINSW CEO Tim McKibbin.
“So people actually have elevators and stuff.”
We all rub our brows which are nowhere near as perfect as hers but still wonder if this woman is serious or if this is some sort of Legally Blonde pre-Harvard storyline.
“Just go and stand by the front door,” our Queen waves her off.
Forty minutes later and crickets.
In a last ditch effort, our Queen calls Simon to see if he has anyone on his books with interest.
Simon is as brutal as our mate Gav.
“It’s a dive.
“Total knockdown.”
Ouch Simon.
I mean there are no copper ceilings here but it’s not that bad.
But he has more important things on his mind – Simon is off on his date with second runner-up Miss Universe Australia, aka Tash.
He’s late and you will never guess why.
We will give you a second because this needs to be built up.
Ok ready.
“There was a homeless man making a wee”.
Pause, rewind, play it again.
Making a wee.
Imagine that in your wedding speech… “It’s hard to believe we nearly didn’t meet due to…”
There’s loads of awkward small talk about Tash’s modelling life.
She doesn’t know who she’s been modelling for today and her feet really hurt, but she has an attitude of gratitude which we kind of like.
“I’m attracted to someone who hustles, Is that your career?” says Simon.
But Tash is going with the wind, a bit more rustle than hustle.
Tash: “I want to leave the earth better than when I came into it.”
Us: Girrrlll, no. Way too soon for the Captain Planet speech.
Then she asks Simon the most important question every Sydney debutante wants to know, and that’s “What school did you go to?”
And… just when we thought Simon was going to run back out onto the pissy pavement, Tash tells him she is Jewish and we all assume they will be married within a month if his mother finds that out.
So Tash now is pretty assured of getting a rose in tonight’s rose ceremony.
Breaking the romantic moment is an earnest waiter with a $12 bottle of Tempus Two Shiraz.
We’re interrupted by Simon’s phone ringing and him answering it, like some sort of test, so Tash knows his job will always come first.
Skye even calls mid date, we don’t mind the interruption because Simon scored her the Vaucluse home for $14.6m.
“Oh my God that is fantastic news. I’m going to go tell Charles right now,” and we all swoon in our best posh accents and wonder if Skye is really Camilla.
D’Leanne is at her Dad’s 83rd birthday and we love them. We get to see a glimpse of our Queen’s family and children and all of the ‘why’s’ that every life coach teaches us about.
Tom is about to ruin the party with the call that brings most agents angst or relief.
Tom: Let’s just call it quits, I’m going to take the listing off you.
D’Leanne: I wish you all the very best.
Now it’s back to Bondi and we are now in Gav’s shower, scrubbing up for his first open at the Bondi apartment with its own guitarist, burgers and champers.
But alas, there is a rogue throw rug.
“We are here to create a vibe, from the music to the presentation to the service.”
“That looks shit,” Gavin says to the offending rug.
Well, if Shani isn’t opening doors for him she is re-laying rugs.
Due to the juice cleanse and the proximity of fresh burgers, Patrick just looks hungry.
Gav predicts a buyer crowd of at least 20. We get to see two. Mara, who is twice the height of Gav, is looking for a friend’s son. She says the obvious, “it’s small”.
“Darls, the YSL’s don’t even fit on the stairs” Definitely a deal breaker if you ask us.
“You’re buying the lifestyle,” Gav says, for the hundredth time. We are not sure if he is convincing the buyers or himself at this point.
Not to be outdone by giant designer shoes, our next buyer shows up in nothing but budgie smugglers and a bum bug.
Clearly no room to take a brochure with him.
Dimitri wants to play ball with Gav.
“Two bedrooms my ass,” he says; and oh believe us Dimitri, we have seen enough of your ass. Empty out your bum bag, grab that cheque book and tell Gav what it’s worth. Remember dynamite comes in small packages.
“Mid to high twos,” Gav says, adamant he isn’t budging on price because he doesn’t anticipate it being on the market longer than a week. Risky biz Gav. Real estate 101 is to never jinx the result.
Dimitri: “Small unit”
Gav: “Big personality” he is the comeback king with size jokes.
“$3 million and you’ll get it…”
Now Gav and Dimitri are taking bets on what it’s going to sell for and we place a three-way multi on Rubinstein at the TAB and wait for the result in next week’s episode…
BRB…
Nikki Horner is an Executive Assistant in the competitive and glamorous market of Canberra – who has written for Elite Agent a number of times when a celebrity demands it.
Samantha McLean is the Editor of Elite Agent and is pretty certain everyone will read this piece with the love and humour it was written with.
