Welcome to our recap of Episode 2 of Luxe Listings Sydney. For those of you stuck in lockdown or still lacking some kind of post AREC motivation we realise you all probably binged the entire six-episode season in one hit.
But since we have day jobs aspiring to the dizzying heights of reaching our own reality shows (Gogglebox we’re looking at you), we will be bringing you one recap episode each week.
So… onto episode 2
We are immediately transported back to Dover Heights on Damien Cooley’s magical orange and white tie.
Gav is confident they are going to have a belter today and the auction kicks off with a minute’s silence as bidders pay their final respects to the cash they are likely about to part with.
Damien continues to explain all the good things about the property but the crowd is proving quiet today, until silence is broken by an opportunistic buyer who throws her paddle up with an opening bid of $6 million (just shy of the $9.5 million reserve) and it’s clear that Gavin has def got his ‘not happy jan’ face on.
Damien rejects the rubbish bid and sensing it all about to go south, Gav lets us in on his biggest success secret to date, one you won’t find in the REI training manuals, but here it is anyway.
Write this down kids:
“I work the auction floor like a stripper at a bucks party…”
Walking the walk, he gets busy and convinces number 30 to bid $7.5 million and thank goodness we’re away, but not before Damien gives the room a verbal back-hander for wasting his time and ours. Why the heck we had to go through that awkward 10 minutes worth of Bueller, Bueller, Bueller at the beginning is anyone’s guess.
Anyway, bidding goes back and forth a few dollars at a time between bidders 30 and 177 before a buyer named Gina swoops in at $8.6m causing a brain fart in number 30 that makes him ask if she has the money, before letting rip with the really stupid, “Is your Dad paying for the house for you?”
Gina seems mildly amused at the ridiculousness of the comment but Damien swiftly becomes the hero of the scene when he expresses the outrage we all are feeling and tells number 30 to “calm down, sir”. But it all becomes a moot point as Gav hisses at him from the sidelines to pass the property in, and heads for a post-match analysis with Cae and Shani on the front lawn – mostly about how shit the first bid was and how he now needs to save his neck from the seller.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, we’re relieved to find Simon has scraped the bird off his windscreen and is out and about in the beemer again.
He’s on his way to meet Tammy at the former Greek Embassy, which is a seven-bedroom, 11-bathroom, circa $45m property with two pools, a tennis court, a sauna for all of your ‘shvitzing’, and views to die for.
Simon and Tammy do the house tour dropping more OMGs than a teenager at a bar mitzvah, and to be honest so do we – but we’ve entered our own dream sequence where we see Manos and Maria Findikakis floating around the corner with trays of frappe because it does look like their kind of vibe. And seriously, this would be an awesome venue or the next Eview Group sales kickoff, right?
But we’re snapped out of our reverie and back to reality this time with Tammy showing serious queen potential.
Simon: I’ve never seen this before.
Tammy: Simon, this is what we call a kitchen.
Simon: I mean these things sticking out of the benchtop.
Tammy: Some people cook on those.
But while this exchange is mildly entertaining, we’ve calculated 16 long minutes in this episode before out true Queen finally makes an appearance.
D’Leanne is on her way to meet Janet who is 91, who owns a historic mansion in Bellevue Hill with an equally impressive name “Blair Athol”. It’s a stately seven-bedder, which has been her home for 60 years, and now it’s time to downsize.
The house has been on the market for the past 18 months with two other agents who haven’t quite gotten the job done. And Janet is not afraid to name names.
Janet: “Gavin Einstein?”
Anyway, our Queen D’Leanne schools everyone with a masterclass in building rapport from playing piano, right down to pouring the tea.
And with one Queen (Janet) recognising another Queen (D’Leanne) she wraps it up, wins the listing and tells her she won’t let her down; and we all raise our tea cups to that.
Meanwhile, back at superhero HQ Remi calls out, “Avengers, assemble!” for the regular monthly meeting.
Gavin says everyone has had a record month and talks about the group continuing to hit new heights.
“The culture we are trying to create is one of competition,” says Gav.
Everyone notices Pat is looking slightly pale, but he tells us it’s because he’s on a juice detox and has only just started eating solids again.
No wonder Remi and Shani want him out of the girls bathroom (which was actually the first order of business in the meeting).
Now a special announcement from Gavin and Jarryd:
It’s time for an Avengers x Hunger Games showdown to see who can make it through a marathon of not looking at Instagram for at least 48 hours. Actually, just kidding, but there is a contest for whoever can clock the most GCI in the next whatever amount of time the cycle happens to be and that person will get $50,000 in gift cards at JB Hi-Fi.
There are lots of nods and looks between the gang but if we were going to place bets, we would think short odds on Oli, who’s been giving us some serious Harvey Specter, “I’m an exceptional closer”-vibes all meeting. To round off this scene we’re really wishing right now that Evan – a trained opera pro – would sing us out.
Now it’s back to Tammy and Simon who are having a high-brow discussion about what they would do if they won lotto and talking about his dating life probs in an attempt to get Simon on the radar of the producers of Bachie 2022.
Someone who hasn’t let fame go to his head just yet is Liam, “I-just-do-what-I-am-told-around-here” Prince, who tries to convince Simon’s mum a smoothie he has made for the boss, that looks a bit like pink cement, is actually quite tasty. Jen politely tries it before giving it a hard pass, and we don’t blame her.
Simon gets a call from London. It’s Skye Fitzpatrick, darling (great name) and she sounds like she is straight from Jimmy Rees’, Meanwhile in Brighton skits.
Skye says she is looking for something in Vaucluse, darling.
“I have five children and quite a lot of animals, darling…”
Simon says he doesn’t go ‘over the bridge’ but signs her up anyway. PS We imagine Skye is definitely smoking and drinking straight gin with the Sydney-London time difference and we are absolutely loving this Ab-Fab moment in the show. Sweetie.
Time for a couple of sundowners in Sydney now and Gav is on his way to meet Simon at Champagne Bar. Gav greets Simon with, “Hello big boy,” in yet another nod to Simon’s bachie 2022 campaign.
Gav and Simon get into some deep and meaningfuls, with Simon calling D’Leanne and Gav out for behaving like “jack russells always going at it”. But really Simon is just more interested in Gavin’s camel hair socks. They talk about billionaires and being busy – just normal guy stuff.
But we do learn that Dover Heights ended up going for $9.6 million. And then there’s more guy-talk about how great their relationship is and we’re certain we can hear that White Stripes friends song playing in the background.
Now – back to Bellevue Hill and our Queen D’Leanne is on her way to deliver some good news to our new Queen Janet – an offer of $12.25 million on the mansion. The previous best offer was $10 million-ish.
Janet to her son: “What do you think dear, do you think we should accept it?”
Every real estate agent watching this episode:
Thankfully, we can all calm down (and breathe) as the son advises Janet to accept the offer and we learn our Queen has thought of everything, including a six-month settlement for Janet to get all of her memories and history in order. Awww.
Ok guys, guess what, Simon is in his car again, just for something different. And it’s not the producers of The Bachelor that’s on the phone, but Skye, sweetie. Luckily, Simon is en-route to look at a potential paradise for Skye and her pets.
The house he has in store for her is one of the most glorious Sydney homes we have seen so far. He has nothing bad to say, but probs ‘cause the selling agent isn’t around this time.
He gets Skye on the bat-phone and she is onboard. Simon is on a deadline, 24 hours before the property is due to hit the open market. He makes the call we have all been waiting for and puts the offer in at $14 million.
Another cliff-hanger and now we wait until the next episode… where the listing agent is going to say $16 million and Simon is probably going to counter with $15 million.
Or alternately Dr Kimberley Shaw from Melrose Place is hiding the laundry and is about to blow the whole thing up – but we know this week they’ve all signed on for a second season, so it’s more likely the former.
Until next week, you know you love us xoxo
Nikki Horner is an Executive Assistant in the competitive and glamorous market of Canberra – who has written for Elite Agent a number of times when a celebrity demands it.
Samantha McLean is the Editor of Elite Agent and is pretty certain everyone will read this piece with the love and humour it was written with.
All images courtesy of Amazon Prime – (except for Survivor, Wonka and Ferris, they are from giphy… )